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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

What Goes On In My Wife’s Head?

Already for a long time, my wife knows that I am having ‘troubles with emunah’. I don’t put on tefillin, hardly davven, learn less, say less berachos, etc.

Last Friday night, my wife suddenly woke up to go to the toilet. I was using my mobile phone to update my Facebook status so the phone was not in the charger in the corridor. I am quite sure she noticed, but she kept quiet. That really amazed me.

There are a few possible reasons:

  • Perhaps she wants to preserve my dignity while thinking “it is just a phase he has to go through”?
  • She may just not have the energy to confront it head-on.
  • Possibly, she has her own doubts in emunah?
  • She is afraid to confront me for some reason.

I definitely am too scared for a confrontation. But already less scared than I used to be…

15 comments:

  1. perhaps she was half asleep and didn't notice?

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  2. I like your blog. I think it's a really healthy outlet and a great way for support. I hope you can one day be honest with your wife though, even if the consequences are really difficult to deal with. You don't want someone holding resentments towards you because of a lack of honesty, especially if they could affect your relationship with your children. You have to look at all the possibilities in the future.

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  3. I'd suggest that if you do not make the decision to speak with your wife about your OTD-ness (thereby 'coming out', at least at home), it would be best to forego the Friday night Facebook updations and other major 'aveiros'. You're bound to have slip-ups like this every once in a while, and it's simply not worth the resulting stress and uncertainty.

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  4. i think if i got up in the middle of the night to the toilet the phone in the charger is the last thing i'd look for.
    come out already. save yourself the paranoia.

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  5. AE: Maybe, but then we still have my non-observance.

    CS: I did not lie as I am slowly but surely getting her used to the idea.

    Menashe: But I love these aveiros: they keep me sane. :)

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  6. sounds like you want to confront her.

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  7. "But I love these aveiros: they keep me sane. :"

    Not sure what you're saying here. Are you saying that it's the risk of the aveiros or the aveiros themselves that keep you sane?
    As for your wife, I'm sure that she thought that either her eyes were deceiving her, or that it must have been Thursday rather than Friday night, or there was a pekuach nefesh reason, or there was something in the halacha that you understood that she didn't, or that you had a heter from a high level rav to do it.

    I wouldn't be surprised if the real answer is your first option-- that she thinks it's a phase that you're going through. Or she might not care that much unless it becomes too blatant.

    Ichabod Chrain

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  8. I'm with kisarita. And maybe your wife does have her own doubts? Anyway, if you make sure to explain that you are not rejecting her, but just the religion, she will take it better. Tell her you love her and you don't want to have any secrets from her, and then come out. This could do more for your sanity than a late-night Facebook update.

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  9. I'd disagree with some of the previous commenters, and say that 'coming out' to your wife may not be as simple as they say. The result of such an action would really depend on your wife's attitude toward Judaism. If she either is privately doubtful or generally lax about it, she may be OK with your non-observance, but if whe is in fact 100% frum, she'd likely follow Torah True Jew protocol and speak to a Rav, who, upon being appraised of the full force of your apikorus-ism, may recommend divorce. Don't make that leap unless you've done some more investigation into the typical outcomes of such scenarios, and are willing to deal with those outcomes.

    If you do not go ahead with it, I think it would be best to acclimate yourself to a comfort level within the 'Orthoprax' lifestyle. There are many blogs dedicated to striving toward happiness as an OP and focusing on its positives rather than resorting to constant chilul shabbos to maintain your sanity. You can stay sane in the private knowledge that you know the truth and (more than anyone else) know why you are going along with the rituals, and also by participating in the OP blogosphere.

    As far as the lying goes, you can deal with it as I do -- I've discovered that a convenient thing about Judaism is that you can always defer to authority rather than have to ever give your own opinion. So if your son comes home and asks a question on hashkafa, your response can begin with 'Chazal say...' or 'the Nefesh Hachaim says...' That way, you can consider yourself as simply academically relating some OJ opinion as a disaffected observer, and not lying.

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  10. Of course Menashe raises the important question about your wife's reaction. But what comes up in that argument is the most important moral question here: what to do about the children. If you are unhappy with frumkeit and with living a double life, is it fair to raise your children with the belief that their father expects them to be frum? Doesn't that just defer the problem for the next generation to deal with? They should know that they can trust you not to reject them if they develop their own doubts, even if you still think that sending them to OJ schools is the right thing to do.

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  11. the what about the kids thing may be her #1 concern. if you're willing to live two lives, be prepared to say so. If you're not, be prepared to deal with it. Not sure what your community's like ...

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  12. I would go on a slow transitional process. (First btw, lock the f***in door when you go to the john lol-- for other similar reasons) First I would tell her that you don't believe any "tanaim, rishonim, achronim, and the rest of the gang" were omniscient, and were as vulnerable as me and you. And keep going on the kofer-evolution tree till you reach "Kofer Bieker".

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  13. Thanks all in general feedback and thanks Menashe for saving me from depression!
    In general, I can't rock the boat too much now, will indeed do it in steps. Perhaps one day we can be modern 'modern' orthodox for the outside world, she can be however she wants to be and i will be koifer beiker but keep kosher at home, etc.

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  14. my father is a rabbi and I can't imagine he'd reccommend divorce just because one party isn't frum.

    (throwing out your kids, maybe.)

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  15. You could come out in a way that lets her know you gave OJ a fair shake. I.e. tell her you have doubts but are giving it one last try: for one month you are going to daven with a minyan three times a day, etc. and tell her that you are asking foundational questions to respected rebbeim. Then, in one month, tell her you didn't get good answers. This lets her know you aren't doing this out of laziness, since she knows about your laxity. Just don't get caught with your phone during that time!

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