As for many of us, my believe in God was severely challenged after my hormones came into play (pun not intended). There is only so many desires you can suppress in a child, only so many guilt-feelings for having wasted seed.
So the question came up in my mind: WTF did God have in mind when he forbade us to masturbate on the one hand, but created hot chicks on the other hand? And let our bodies react to it automatically as a knee-jerk reaction (pun again not intended). We are talking about urges that I, like 98% of the male human species, could not control. So: either God is a sadist or masturbation is not wrong.
It seemed to be the former, at first. The Kitzur, chapter 151 (notice that I try to avoid a word that sounds like semen), says that spilling seed is the worst aveirah (sin) you can commit and its punishment is Misah Bidei Shamayim (death by the hand of Heaven). The The Zohar says that there is no teshuvah (repentance) for this sin and that all your spilled semen is murder, every single sperm is bloodshed.
Later on in life, I discovered that some other boys in yeshivah struggled with it as well. One day in the dorm I discovered a notebook of a friend of mine that contained x-rated stories that scared the hell out of me.
Shidduchim did not make things better: After years of fruitless searching, with no end in sight, I was so frustrated that I made my first trip to a brothel. Many trips were to follow (inasmuch as I was able to afford it at that time). I was and I am still ashamed of this, could hardly live with the contradictions: spend an hour in the evening with an anonymous Candy, Betty or Janine, after which I went home and said Shema before going to sleep, to combat the mazikin (demons) I thought I had created. Again, either God was a sadist or masturbation was something natural.
It took me some time until I was ready to question my faith. In fact, it would still take some years. But, back then, the seeds of doubt were already sown.
there are always more sperm than available eggs to fertilize at a time, so even if you get someone pregnant, there are tons of sperm that are "wasted." This is silliness.
ReplyDeleteThe classification of masturbation as murder is in part based on the mistaken belief that there is a tiny human being in a man's semen - one per ejaculation. This little person is injected into the womb during sex. If a guy masturbates, the little person has nowhere to go and dies.
ReplyDeleteOf course, we now know that isn't how conception works.
The mythologisation of sex (and masturbation) is something common to almost all cultures. From ancient fertility rites to modern ideas about virginity, there’s something about it that lends itself to metaphysical entanglements.
There are millions of different people in the semen. And this is only half a person! The idea that it's murder is based on pseudoscience. If you trust the science of the rishonim, then the sun goes around the Earth, and once every 28 years the sun reaches it's origin. Even most hareidm concede chazal made a big error. Though I don't think they were stupid by any means. They just went with the "Ptolemeaic flow".
ReplyDeleteha ha, i just got the "seeds" of doubt title... (ok so I'm a little slow)
ReplyDeletefor a frum girl's understanding (or misunderstanding) of masturbation see my post here
hi kisarita, powerful post! glad i brought a smirk to your face, btw ;)
ReplyDeleteUK, I thought you weren't going to reveal the brothel experience...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, good post.
brothel? Ugh.
ReplyDelete