The Five Stages of OTD Grief

Losing God or losing religion is often awfully close to grieving for a person that passed away. The Kübler-Ross model, according to Wikipedia, "postulates a series of emotional stages experienced by survivors of an intimate's death, wherein the five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance."

Cristina Rad, a well-known ex-Christian atheist activist, describes this model in the context of grieving for God. She also mentions that this model does not always apply to everyone but that it appears to be useful in practice.

Cristina Rad's discussion starts getting relevant to our discussion at 1:18 minutes:



I will summarize the 5 stages below and adapt it to the OTD situation:

1. Denial.

Some of the arguments include:

"I may have questions about emunah and I am not getting the answers that make sense to me, but there were many other people wiser than me who must have thought through these issues and did have a satisfying answer."

"If I would only davven with more kavvanah, I will surely be shown the truth of Judaism"

"If I will stop believing in God, life has no purpose anymore. So this is just a trip of my yeitzer hora"

 "I will reinforce my faith by reading sforim that increase my emunah pshutah (simple faith and ask the Rebbe for a brocha"

2. Anger.

Many OTD people (rightfully so!) experience a lot of resentment. This may even stay with them for many years. It will cause them to want to shock their parents by showing up in the community "dressed like a goy" (read: in modern clothes, not conforming to strict community standards).

Anger can also be expressed verbal shouting matches or by by cutting someone out of your life. Some people get angry at God for letting this difficult situation happen to them. Which makes them want to eat pork on Yom Kipur, for example, just to spite 'Him'.

3. Bargaining. Some people here realize that their old beliefs are a house of cards and exchange them for more benign forms of Judaism, such as modern orthodoxy (often just a stage propelled by apologetic LWMO material by the likes of Rabbi Nathan Slifkin), Reform / Conservative Judaism, hippy-like Rabbi Nachman / Carlebach Judaism, Conservadox, etc. Many turn into deists or seek some other form of spirituality.

Or just choose to live their lives as an Undercover Kofer / Orthoprax person, in order to avoid the pain accompanying leaving the fold.

4. Depression.

Many of us had or are having difficulty dealing with their past and present experiences. The loss of community support, friends and family leads to a terrible sense of loneliness. Imagine a woman losing custody of her children just because she decided not to be frum. Life doesn't make sense to her anymore without her children.

Some are depressed because it can be overwhelmingly hard to adjust to a foreign lifestyle and the reality of having to deal with a world that appears meaningless at first.

5. Acceptance.

This is when people start realizing that "it's going to be OK". Although there may not be a God, or there may not be an absolute purpose in life, we can still take ownership of our own future and create our own new derech.

With the help of a newly created circle of friends (e.g. online social groups) or a good psychologist, as well as possible support from institutions that are specialized in helping transitioning people, OTD persons may find new trust in a better future and come to terms with their new reality.


Please share your personal experience (anonymously, if needed) in the comments section below.